Date: Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:33:58 -0400
Reply-To: "Jack R." <jack007@COMCAST.NET>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: "Jack R." <jack007@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Re: Fryedaye Re: Can You Have Too Many Vanagons? an in-depth
study of a modern social sickness.
In-Reply-To: <1971D4D7C4344AF0A4E8AF35E2B7C500@gp207joel>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
I did not see this in the list of "Strange Laws" however...
-----Original Message-----
From: Vanagon Mailing List [mailto:vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com] On Behalf Of
joel walker
Sent: Friday, August 14, 2009 4:22 PM
To: vanagon@GERRY.VANAGON.COM
Subject: Fryedaye Re: Can You Have Too Many Vanagons? an in-depth study of a
modern social sickness.
whilst regaling the internet about Cheap Syncro-Columbus, OH,
someone asked, quite innocently ...
> Can you have too many Vanagons...?.....;-)
and there began the Wheels a'turning. :)
Yes, Virginia, a person CAN have too many Vanagons.
it is sad, but it is true. and it can be hazardous to one's health.
1. wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors have been known to
suddenly
go 'mental' and inflict serious bodily damage upon said
person-with-too-many-Vanagons (hereafter referred to as simply PwtmV)
with various and sundry sharp objects found
nearby within the house/mobile home/cabin/tent/camper. the most common
trigger
for such actions seems to be the phrase "You won't believe the deal i
got on this bus!"
or some variation thereof.
2. PwtmVs have been known to neglect their health care, preferring to
spend such monies
on replacement/spare parts, various and sundry harmful chemicals
(Por-15, etc), paint,
aftermarket accessories, tires, windshields, and so on. these actions
are commonly
accompanied by wheezing, coughing, skin discolorations, and an
increased desire for
alcoholic beverages of various colors and types, coupled with a
pronounced twitchiness,
drooling, and spending hours upon personal computers emailing other
similarly inflicted
people.
3. PwtmVs sometimes subject other members of their family groups to
the same neglect,
resulting in psychological trauma from ridicule by the member's peer
groups. this is usually
found when the member is a teenager. pre-teens seem to actually like
this neglect, seeing
the too-many-Vanagons as 'neat'. this 'neatness' usually fades as
winter sets in and they realize that the clothing allowance was spent
on cv joints for one of the Vanagons. teenagers
actively rebel and can become quite violent at times, especially when
confronted with the
prospect of a parentally-chaperoned date to be carried out in one of
the too-many-Vanagons, assuming, of course, that any of them actually
run. the same sort of trauma has been noted
in wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors when forced to ride
to malls, stores, places of work, etc., so the reaction seems to be
related to post-puberty homones.
4. the only known species that seems to NOT be affected by PwtmVs are
dogs. possibly cats.
it's very difficult to determine what, if anything, affects cats.
other than dogs.
but dogs seem to not be affected by PwtmVs and their obsessive
behaviour(s). in fact, there are
numbers of cases in which the dogs were active participants in such
behaviour(s), actually
encouraging the PwtmV in such obsessions.
5. there is no known cure. well, other than
wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors actually murdering the
PwtmV. such occurances are rare, however, even though the usual
case results in 'justifiable homicide' charges, rather than actual
Second-degree Murder.
6. it seems to be a primarily male-related sickness, but has been
known to spread quickly across gender lines. indeed, sometimes, the
sickness is much more intense when it speads, engendering somewhat
striking abnormalities in other areas of personality. for the
population
as a whole, however, the risk is quite low and nothing other than
ordinary precautions (washing of one's entire body and soul after
riding in a Vanagon, or even talking with a PwtmV, or at least washing
one's mind with alcohol after being around any PwtmV) is required for
most people. some of the population, however, seems to be extremely
weak-willed and able to be
dramatically influenced by the merest contact with PwtmVs ... the
DNA-related aspects of this influence have not yet been determined, as
no money was forthcoming from the federal government for the necessary
studies.
7. a PwtmV also seems to have a severe need for bonding with other
PwtmVs, in small or large groupings, usually at some secluded alcove
in some national or state park, or even in the wilderness beyond
regulations. such bonding is often associated with strange behaviour,
strange clothing, strange foodstuffs, and even stranger music. this
gives rise to the truth in the old saying that "misery loves company".
in this case, le Miserables REALLY loves company.
these gatherings occur sporatically across the world, lingering for
days, with accumulations of the infectees reaching into the dozens.
these gatherings should not be confused with rock concerts or Burning
Man or other such accumulations of wretched psyches, although it is
true that many of the PwtmV infectees do attend such gatherings.
8. the long-term effects of PwtmV-itis (for want of a more clinically
correct nomenclature) appears to be fairly consistent across the
infectees, with some slight variations which appear to be related to
personal income: that is, the more money the infectee has at their
disposal, the less virulent the sickness becomes. this appears to be
due to the ability (due to the excess income) to foster the sickness
off onto mechanics who become infected not only with PwtmV-itis, but
with greed-itis as well, creating a truly horrible personality
disorder. in most cases, however, the PwtmV simply takes on the guise
of a mechanic, further corrupting his psyche and creating more stress
within any relationships currently in place. in very rare cases, the
corruption takes a further turn for the worse, and the infectee begins
to make Vanagons their entire life's work, possibly even seducing
passersby into their sick little world, infecting them with
PwtmV-itis, and then producing income from that infection. this is a
truly sick, sick situation, and thankfully rare, but it has been known
to happen. one of the worst cases has been given its own name:
GoWesty-itis. easily discernible by silly grins and empty
purses/wallets, and strange attachments within and without the
vehicle(s) involved.
9. the best strategem for handling this infection and/or the PwtmV
themselves is to just basically go-with-the-flow. that is, appear to
agree and sympathize with the individual (or group, if you happen to
stumble into a gathering of PwtmV), even to the point of purchasing a
Vanagon yourself. this simple action will soothe and calm the PwtmV to
such an extent that they may relax and no longer threaten you with
wild looks, strange noises, and endless babble.
however, there does exist the slight danger that the PwtmV will want
to buy your Vanagon ...yes, it is that serious an illness. should you
choose to sell it, however, you are right back where you started: wild
looks, strange noises, and endless babble. so it is better, from your
point of view, to NOT sell, but rather buy parts from the PwtmV, who
will then see you as competition and refuse to have anything to do
with you in the future. the only problem with this course of action is
that the liklihood of you becoming an infectee is quite high.
10. last, but by no means least, is the question: How Many is Too
Many?
there are those reputable scientists that say one is too many ...
somewhat akin to "being a little bit pregnant": ain't no such thing.
either you are or you are not, infected that is. and so it would seem
to be true that if you have one Vanagon, you have "too many". but at
this number of buses, the severity of the disease is not so readily
apparent ... many people who have only one Vanagon appear perfectly
normal to their wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors. this
can be analogous to Typhoid Mary, wherein a person is a Carrier, but
seems to be unaffected by the diesease themselves. however, in the
case of the PwtmV, this is not the long term case ... they WILL buy
another Vanagon, sooner or later. if only as an excuse to 'have spare
parts, cause they are getting harder to find". it is the second or
third Vanagon that causes the person to run amuck and be consumed with
the disease. if the number of buses can be contained by
wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors , there is some small
hope for recovery in the future, but if allowed to gather about
themselves more and more Vanagons, all hope is lost and another soul
begins its downward journey into the seven levels.
other reputable scientists proclaim that as long as one Vanagon is
driveable, it doesn't matter how many the PwtmV has, and there is
still hope. recent research has shown this to be untrue ... a mere
tale of false hope, created by desperate
wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors, seeking to ease their
own pain. with each additional Vanagon, the amount of time consumed by
these vehicles increases exponentially until the brain of the PwtmV
explodes or at least dribbles out their ears. at this point, the
disease has crossed over in terminology and is now known as
Junkyarditis, and falls under many local and state regulations
regarding toxic waste and scrap metal collections. these cases are
extremely rare, but do occur.
you have been warned.
;)
unca joel
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