Date:         Thu, 21 Dec 2000 20:57:21 -0600
Reply-To:     Holm <vholm@CHARTER.NET>
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From:         Holm <vholm@CHARTER.NET>
Subject:      Friday Funnies
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"

Some version of this has been around a while, but this is the newest
I've seen.

VH
84 Westy
In frigid Wisconsin

Tools Defined:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive parts not far  from the object we are trying
to hit.
>
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open  and slice through
the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on boxes containing seat covers.
>
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop
rivets  in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great
for drilling mounting holes in fenders and into the brake line that  goes
to the rear wheel.
>
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt  heads.
>
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija  board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course,
the  more dismal your future becomes.
>
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt  heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer  intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
>
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for igniting various
flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on  older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for  impersonating that 9/16
or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15  minutes.
>
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly  snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the  chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that  freshly
painted part you were drying.
>
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old  bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of  light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in  about the time it takes you
to say, "Ouc...."
>
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering a van to the ground
after you have installed your brakes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the front  fender.
>
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a van  upward
off a hydraulic jack.
>
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood  splinters.
>
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has  another
hydraulic floor jack.
>
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically  useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting  dog-doo off your boot.
>
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill  bit.
>
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating  grease
buildup.
>
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
testing the tensile strength of ground straps and gas lines
you may have  forgotten to disconnect.
>
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end without the handle.
>
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE  TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulfuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a  doornail, just as you thought.
>
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See  hacksaw.
>
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine  vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under vans at night.  Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light  bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Somme.  More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
PHILLIPS  SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes  energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone
in Wolfsburg, and rounds them off.
>
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the  metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to  replace a 50 cent part.
>
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch  too short.